even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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