shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize