"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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