There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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