Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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