Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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