One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
