I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I wish life had little blips of pornography
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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