i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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