I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
