I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
