i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
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