i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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