just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
