mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
