I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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