Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
