I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
