If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
