i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
