God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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