i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
