dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Randomize
