she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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