glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Randomize
