So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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