he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Randomize