fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
