I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
