i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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