Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
