I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
worst night to have a conscience
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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