1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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