woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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