Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
