i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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