When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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