also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize