dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
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