i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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