So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
