you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
