True but thats because hes a fetus.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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