i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Randomize
