My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
