Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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