OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
