hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
