My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I think I just sharted jello shots
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
