my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
