My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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