the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
