You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
