im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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