I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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