I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
he was CRYING into my vagina
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
