wanna go halves on a baby?
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
