I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
tequila makes me forget i have legs
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Randomize
