Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
