I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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